Flying Into the Light: The Complexities of Midlife Relationships

The Complexities of Midlife Relationships

I write this as someone who's navigating that complexity myself.? Again, not as an expert, just as a human with life experience having her thoughts about it.

It's been suggested to me more than once that I could or maybe should look into becoming a couples counselor.?? I've said no thus far, with a lot of my reasons resting in my lack of formal training (I had exactly one marriage and family class in my program, and never got to actually witness or perform any couples counseling due to a seeming problem with getting clients within the clinic) and also my ongoing evaluation of couples counseling as a whole.? I do believe that people who want to be together benefit from help and coaching about how to do that and get what they want out of their relationship.? However, I'm also wary of the strong prejudice toward heteronormative relationships that is often found in marital therapy.? I believe that if people want to get married they should get married (and have the right to, by the way) but I also don't think that marriage is necessarily a marker of commitment or maturity in the relationship.? Those things come from the inside, from the work and commitment two (or more) people do with themselves; a piece of paper or ceremony doesn't confer those qualities.? I once worked for a while for a relationship coach who specialized in polyamory, which was a fascinating and extremely complex world to look into.? I'm not poly myself, but I learned a lot about it during that time.

I just think relating at midlife is complex.? By midlife there are previous marriages, often children, finances, houses in the mix for most people, career stuff, health stuff.? It's a lot more layered than dating when everyone around you is relatively unburdened by such concerns.? I see a fair number of midlife clients who want committed relationships but are unsure about getting married again, and I get that.? A lot of them are women who suffered enormously from previous divorces and have finally regained some financial and emotional stability and are afraid of getting back into a situation where they are legally responsible for someone else's debts or potential unemployment.? I totally get that.? I try to do my best to talk about all the options from a kind of "perma-dating" to living together to marriage to whatever it is they come up with.? I like the idea of being married myself again some day (I was married once for not too long, it ended with great compassion on both sides, we are still friends and overall it was a positive experience) but when I sit with people who have been financially and emotionally devastated by divorce and had to rebuild, I get their concerns and fears and ambivalence.? I realized early on that I was unconsciously thinking of marriage in this perhaps overly positive way because of my own, fortunate experience with it, and retooled the way I talk with people about it as a result.

There's also the whole sexist angle, which I resist.? There is all this garbage in our society about older women being alone and how that's some kind of reflection on our diminished value.? I don't believe this at all.? I believe it's far better to be happy, with good friends and a rich life, than in a bad or destructive relationship, no matter your age or orientation or gender.? We all want love but it needs to be nourishing and honest and real.? Everyone suffers in relationships that are hostile, immature, abusive, one sided, codependent, addictive, dishonest.? I often get asked if I think there is something wrong with my client if s/he has not married one of the last few people dated.? I say to my clients that I would much rather they honestly let go of what was not nourishing and keep bravely looking than to stay in something that makes them sad, depressed, or lonely despite their best efforts.? Relationships take work, including the best of them, and you need to be able to see commitment and results from that work in order to navigate life with another person.? No one can keep on giving and giving and waiting and waiting without becoming depressed.

I guess I think the most important thing in relationships is emotional maturity--the ability to truly be yourself and let others be themselves, to be able to give and receive, be realistic, communicate openly and honestly, accept flaws, honor commitments and promises, be trustworthy, reliable, kind, warm, sincere, and brave.? It's a lot for any person to realize within themselves and definitely an ongoing project for those who take it on.? We have to know what we need and be able to speak it.? We have to see if we are with someone who is willing to listen and interested in being there for us even if they sometimes don't understand us or make mistakes.? No one can read our minds or guess what we are feeling all of the time; we're responsible for stating and growing our happiness, whether in partnership or not.??

So would these beliefs equip me to counsel couples?? I don't know.? Currently I am not sure enough of where I stand on the question of marriage or what I think the goal of doing such work might be for myself.? Thus far I have focused on building the strength of the individuals I see so that when they're ready for a relationship they can approach it and explore it without freaking out too much or getting too down on themselves.? That seems like a do-able goal.? I suppose you never know what life will bring but, as I myself navigate the complex waters of a midlife relationship, I see more questions than answers, which is maybe alright too.

Source: http://www.dovehealingarts.com/2012/08/the-complexities-of-midlife.html

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